A short blog tonight.  First of all, reminders to all that tomorrow is June 1st which of course, I hopefully have everyone trained to remember, "White Rabbits"  must be the first words from your mouth when you awaken tomorrow.  Saying these words will ensure you good luck for the entire month of June!  And if you don't need your luck, you know who does!  Send a little my way!

Hung around the house today doing odds and sods, hoping the surgeon would call.  Late into the afternoon, I finally gave up and took Boomer for a walk and ran some errands.  Got home to find a message on the answering machine from the doctor saying he was just boarding an airplane but had reviewed my films and although he did see the narrowing of the stomach he didn't think that should be causing the emptying problem.  Well, something's causing the emptying problem.  He suggested I just do clear fluids and he would touch base with me on Monday.  I'm staying off of everything by mouth for the time being.  The problems it is causing just aren't worth it until I get some answers to my problem.

Off to Windermere for the weekend.  May or may not blog, depending on Dad's Wifi situation.  So if you don't hear from me....don't worry.....nothings happening.

Slept in a chair last night and had a great rest.  Bill came down this morning and it was kind of cute.  He's checking me out to see how I look, I'm checking him out to see how he looks.  I know when I start my hacking and coughing at night I am disturbing his rest as well as my own.  We both actually looked pretty darn good this morning.  Sleeping in a chair may be for me for the next little while.

Did some puttering around this morning.  I have become quite obsessed with clipping out recipes from newspapers and magazines.  My friend Connie told me when her son was going through his period of ill health where eating was an issue he became obsessed with the food channel!  For me it's recipes.  I've become a clipping fiend so decided this morning if I'm going to adopt this obsession I better get the clippings semi organized.

Had Bill phone the surgeon's office today.  I want him to know how badly I am suffering from this reflux thing.  Bill was talking to the nurse and told her I had come home yesterday and eaten a scrambled egg. Well, the general consensus seems to be, from many of you, from my doctor and from myself that a scrambled egg may not have been the wisest food choice as the first real food my tummy has had in two months.  The fact that Bill decided to jazz it up with a little cheese probably didn't help and although I thought it at the time, I ate it anyways.  Have already decided that once I get the go ahead to eat it's going to be bananas, apple sauce, yogurt........I don't think I will every eat scrambled eggs again.  I'm still experiencing the after taste today and believe me....two day old egg is pretty darn disgusting!  Have not taken anything by mouth today but have taken to chomping on ice chips and then spitting out the water to freshen up my disgusting mouth!

Still, despite this ongoing issue the day was good.  Met my friend Maureen for pedicures.  Both of us came out supporting bubblegum pink toes with "designs".  There's something about a pedicure that puts a bounce back into your step!  Mine were pretty beaten up and each time the little Vietnamese gals chattered away to each other in their native tongue I was positive they were making comments on the state of my feet.  Shades of the hospital when I was actively hallucinating I'm sure, but you do wonder what they are saying.  Sometimes I wish I spoke Vietnamese so I could eves drop!

Hope to hear back from the doctor tomorrow.  He had not received the report from my test yet but said he would call as soon as it came.  Hope to hear back from him before the weekend.

I have dragged my sorry ass to the computer because I know many of you will be wondering how the swallow test went.  Day started out fantastic.  I was up at 6 to shower and get my dressing changed.  We needed to be at the hospital for 7:30 which is quite the challenge for me these days to me moving that quickly.  I had thought long and hard about the test, tucking my head, taking my time, making sure the liquid was to the back of my throat etc. etc.  Well that worked for the about the first three swallows and then the radiologist started to get creative.  I had to drink lying down, lying on my side lying as much on my stomach as I could.  The doctor was wonderful.  Much better than the previous two tests I have had.  He was very throrough.  At the end of it he said there was no aspiration at all but he did have some concerns at the rate the stomach was emptying.  The last radiologist mentioned this as well.  The doctor took lots of images and pictures of my gut and lungs.  His first impression was that there might be a narrowing in the stomach.  If this is the case he said it can be easily fixed with a simple scope.  This very well could be the cause of my recent battle with acid reflux.  In any case.....in typical Leslie fashion, I heard the first part....you are not aspirating but downplayed the second part.  Went out to the waiting room to do the dance of joy for Bill.  This has been the first positive news I have had for awhile and I was pretty exited.  Decided to come home and have some scrambled eggs.  Bill cooked them and they were delicious.  I only had one egg but the whole thing went down just fine.  Felt great for a couple of hours and then things started to shift.  I could feel the reflux coming on.  Tried to go for a walk.....not even close to Boomer's standards.  Got home and plopped myself in a chair and have been wrenching and bringing up nasty stuff for the past 4 hours.  Quite frankly I may never eat a scrambled egg for as long as I live.  Kind of like when you were young and drank too much cheap red wine.  My friend Kathy does not drink red wine to this day and I'm really not partial to it either.  "Cold Duck', nastiest wine on the planet!

Not anticipating a good night tonight and actually may just go to bed in a recliner and skip the bed.  It's pretty clear this has got to run it's course and I think I will be much better off sitting up. Shit!  I was so excited this morning and to have this happen really has taken me for a loop.  It has made me sit back and think a little though and I have decided nothing by mouth until I talk to the surgeon and see what they think this problem is and what they can for me.  These problems really have started since I got back from Mexico and started drinking which leads me to believe my stomach is not clearing anything.  I'm even thinking all this coughing I've been doing is a related thing.  So time to take a step back, reevaluate, hope they can do something to alleviate this problem and then move forward again...BUT NOT WITH SCRAMBLED EGGS!  I'm thinking bananas and applesauce might be a better start.  So good news/bad news......and the good definitely outweighs the bad!  I'll be back on track tomorrow.  Will remind you all tomorrow but we are getting on to the end of the month and we all know what that means!!!

This is a difficult blog to write because I have been in a frump all day long!  Too many nights of interrupted sleep catches up to you.  Last night I was sleeping pretty good when the phone rang at 2 AM.  We both jumped and of course your immediate thought is it must be one of your kids.  Your mind races to where they are.....Geoff was working nights last night, Kelli was in New York.  Bill answered and it was my uncle calling from London, England.  He had no idea what the time change was and was phoning to see how I was doing.  Nice of him to call, he truly meant well but that really set the tone for the rest of the night.

Bill was off to replace his windshield in his truck today and I tackled a bunch of muffins, finally planted my flowers and took Boomer for a walk.  Just haven't been able to kick this grumpy feeling today though and am thinking it was a good thing I was on my own.  When I was cooking the muffins I was wondering at how much I enjoyed this activity and it suddenly came to me.  It is the one thing I can still do the same now as before the surgery.  Almost every other single thing I do has been impacted by this surgery.  That is a hard pill to swallow.

I started to think about the things I really miss.
-my health
-my voice
-my laugh
-eating and drinking.  Just stop and think about how much of your day revolves around this activity.  It is probably one of the most social things we do.
-going for a walk without puffing
-running
-all my fitness/sports activities
-golf
-sleeping an entire night and waking up rested and ready to go
-sleeping on my stomach
-sleeping flat
-talking on the phone
-the kids at school!  Today I was walking in the ravine and I could hear the kids at Tom Baines laughing and screaming in the school yard.  Made me homesick for those little guys!
-the Winter Club
-my body
-inviting friends for dinner and being invited to their place for dinner
-having a glass of wine
-coffee
-making small talk  (with limited voice, I've become selective about what I say)

There is more and I could go on and on but the pity party must end! Hopefully, no 2 AM phone calls and a decent nights sleep will put me back on track!   Tomorrow's a new day!
Tomorrow is my swallow test!  I am hopeful that will go well for me!  Then I can start tackling some of that delicious orange jello sitting in my fridge!

A pretty low key day.  Was up pretty early this morning but did have a better night.  Still have some issues I'm trying to deal with but in the back of my mind I'm thinking "how much longer will I have to have this tube?"  I know they will leave it until I am able to take all my nutrition by mouth but I have huge incentive to do that and am hoping I can move along without to many problems.

The best surprise of the day was my blood pressure.  It has been sky high since the surgery.  Shockingly so for someone who always has had low blood pressure and a low heart rate.  When I went to see the surgeon last week it was 158/107.  He didn't even bat an eye.  Said he wished they wouldn't take people's blood pressure when they come to see him.  There is some truth in that....I think my hairdresser, Lorna calls it "White Coat Syndrome."  I know even the sound of his voice makes me anxious.....kind of a conditioned response.  In any case I have been checking it off and on on my own as well and it has been consistently high.  When I asked him about it he said "That is a mystery!".  Imagine that!  Well today I was in Coop and decided I should do a check. I just about fell out of my chair when it came back 119/76. In fact I was sure that could not possibly be right because I haven't seen numbers that low in months.  So I pushed the button a second time and it came back 113/67.  I was pretty happy about that.  I have not been happy with those elevated numbers.

Had a couple of walks today and had a redo on my Mom's Old Fashioned Oxtail Soup.  This time I payed attention, stirred and cooked with a little more "Patience".  I think it paid off......I didn't burn it to a crisp.  Bill hasn't tried it yet, but my nose tells me it's good.  I know it seems weird that I'm cooking but I can't eat.  But there is some comfort in doing something familiar and routine.  I don't cook all the time but every so often I just get the urge to get in the kitchen and make a mess.  It is very therapeutic!

I'm sure hoping the weather warms up a tad this week.  Still haven't put out my flowers.  Will tackle that tomorrow, weather permitting!

Another rough night!  Going to make some changes tonight.  Can't go on like this night after night.  The reflux thing is horrible.  I thought I knew what acid reflux was but am learning that I had absolutely no idea.  Spent half the night trying to sleep upright in a chair downstairs thinking about what I could do to try to improve this situation.  So tonight, I'm cutting back on the amount I'm taking in, I'm slowing the rate and I will prop myself up with one more pillow.  Hopefully that will do the trick!

Maureen picked me up at noon and we headed out to Bragg Creek to provide support to the five hardy Honey Badgers who decided to do a training ride today.  It was cool but the riders all did great.  Amber hasn't been able to do as much riding so we were happy to be of some use today.  It is a great ride (easy for me to say from the front seat of Maureen's Forerunner) and it would be nice to see the group get out and do it again before the big day.  In all they covered about 88 km today which is a darn good ride.  Stopped in Bragg Creek for coffee and snacks and I had my first taste of coffee in over two months. Really not even a mouthful but it was nice to have a small taste of really good coffee.  They really have a great little coffee shop there and does it ever do a booming business!  It's a real bikers hub!

Got back home around 5:30, walked the dog and am ready to relax.  Riding the sag wagon is darn hard work!

COOKING DISASTER!  Well, I had them before this all started so why should anything be any different now.  Decided today I would make soup so dug out a couple of recipes, one for asparagus soup, the other for a soup my Mom used to make called Old Fashioned Oxtail Soup.  Started with the asparagus and all was going terrific until I put it in my Vitamix and blasted it on high.  I am sure you have a vision of this because I think everyone has made this mistake at one time or other.  If not, good for you.  I myself have done it several times.  There was a mini explosion out the top of the vitamix and asparagus soup everywhere, including all over me!  S#&!......Got that mess cleaned up and moved on to the Oxtail Soup which I have never made but have kept the recipe for years with the best of intentions of making it because we all loved it when Mom made it.  It is a pretty involved recipe and took quite a lot of time and lots of steps but all was going well.  Decided to take Boomer out for a quick walk in the ravine and left the soup simmering on the stove.  Well, maybe a little more than simmering!  The minute I walked in the door I could smell the aroma of BURNT soup.  Gross!  Totally wrecked it!  One thing's for sure, the holiday from cooking hasn't eased my failure rate in the kitchen!

Feeling quite a bit better today.  Have laid off drinking anything today and am hoping like heck that this vomiting thing isn't because I'm aspirating the liquid I'm taking in.  That would be a total bummer.  Guess next weeks test will be the telling tale.

Had another couple of emails from my friend that I talked about in yesterday's blog.  An email from her is the biggest treat of my day.  Everyone tells me that I am positive and inspirational (which I don't get because I really am not positive all of the time) but this lady really has her feet firmly planted on the good earth and meets each challenge head on with the attitude "it will be OK".  She expresses herself so eloquently that I must share a couple of her thoughts with you because they are so well expressed.  Her family has been through so much and she told me that as a family, their first step to building resiliency was to make "hope their home."  Through each trial they focussed on the possibility of a positive outcome and did not go to those dark places we sometimes want to visit.  My friend and her family live life to the fullest.  She told me for them it is not about the "Bucket List" but about living a full life with both feet on the ground with your eyes wide open.  That's how I view things too but I know I could never express it as beautifully as she did for me.  I know she reads this blog and I want her to know how much I appreciate the fact that despite her own problems she still takes the time to write to me.  I have learned many things over the past months, one being that the world is full of interesting, talented, compassionate people.  Too often we get caught up in our busy lifestyles and we lose sight of this fact. It seems easier to engage in petty gossip and to focus on things that make your cross.   Perhaps because I have more time to sit back and watch I am reminded that we all need to stop and take stock of what we have.  Enjoy your life, appreciate your spouse and your family (mine have been rock solid), do not take anything for granted because it may not be there forever, take time to give compliments, smile at a complete stranger because who knows what's going on in their life, enjoy the little things, the smell of grass, the beauty of a blooming apple tree, a gurgling creek, the smell of a puppy.......Love your life!  It can change in a blink of an eye.

Will start todays blog with a cute story before I get serious.  Yesterday I went to see the doctor about my J tube.  We walked into the North Tower at the Foothills Hospital and there were three mentally handicapped adults sitting in their wheel chairs at the entrance.  As I went to walk by, a young man reached for my hand and introduced himself as Michael.  So I stopped and introduced myself.  He gazed up at me and said "Leslie, you sure are beautiful!"  so I looked down at him and said "Michael you are very, very handsome!"   Now the cute part of this story is that for all my adult life I have managed to attract mentally challenged males!  Not sure what that says for Bill.

Had a rough night again last night.  Not sure if I have a bit of a bug or am reacting to the PET and the prep for it because I was just fine before I had the test but since have not felt that well.  Could also be the popsicles I've been sucking back so have not had one of those today.  Got up this morning feeing like I had been kicked.  Was supposed to meet a couple of friends for coffee and thought about bailing but Bill pushed me out the door and said a visit with my friends would be good for me.  He was so right!  We talked for a couple of hours and I came out of Starbucks feeling much better and it wasn't because of caffeine!  I came home thinking it would be nice to have a nap and there was Black Beauty looking at me with that look on his face "Are we going for a walk....are we....are we?"  It was the last thing I felt like but I loaded him into the Forerunner and we went and did a loop of Nose Hill.  It was a pretty slow walk but I did do it and can't help but think a little exercise might help me settle tonight.

Over coffee I learned that a former teaching colleague and friend has been dealt a devastating blow.  She has battled cancer for many years and has been somewhat of a miracle!  She has defied the odds and has demonstrated strength beyond reason.  Her cancer has returned and she is slated for another round of surgery.  This person has been an amazing support for me over the past weeks.  She frequently emails me and totally knows what I am experiencing because she has been there herself.  I have held on to every single email and reread them frequently.  She has been an inspiration to me and someone I totally admire. My heart is breaking that she has to go through this again.  We pick ourselves up and get on with it only to get knocked down again.  What I do know about this lady though is ......  she will get up and dust herself off and face this head on  That is her nature.  She is one strong lady.  And there will be many people standing in the wings cheering her on and through this.  It is terrible to go through this once but unfathomable when you have to do it again.  Unfortunately, that is what will happen to many of us.  This disease often doesn't seen to go away, it just lies quietly, sometimes for years and then rears it's ugly head once again.  I know this and if I am granted a reprieve I plan to make the most of every moment, just as this wonderful person has done!  If you are reading this, know that I love you girl, and wish you strength and focus in the weeks ahead.

Todays mission was to track people I have heard of that have made positive changes in their lives since I started this journey.  First of I must say I am so happy these people haven't taken the attitude "Well, she looked after herself....exercised, watched her diet, practiced healthy living and what good did it do for her?"  I still believe whole heartedly we can control our destiny to some extent by taking a healthy approach to life...no smoking, minimal drinking, watching what goes in your mouth, being active, having healthy relationships with the people you love....the list goes on.  I have never been perfect at these but it is not about perfect it's about moderation and doing it MOST of the time.  I am so proud of those of you who have made positive gains from running in races, to increasing your time at the gym, to losing weight, to cutting back on drinking......There are many of you and I keep hearing I am an inspiration to you but truly it's a backache here because I find your stories just as inspirational.  At the moment I am struggling with patience as I have been for the last little bit.  I do see improvements but they seem so small.  I am drinking small amounts and have had a popsicle the last couple of days and I'm hopeful I will pass the swallow test this time.

Had to go in to see the doctor again today.  I have had some concerns about my feeding tube and wanted him to look at it.  He thought it looked fine but decided I needed ANOTHER stitch as the one the doctor put in when we got back from Mexico wasn't really done properly.  It was partly our fault, we chose to go to the Urgent Care Centre rather than the hospital as we thought the wait would be shorter and they did not have the right sutures or supplies to do it so she just made due.  As usual it was a nice contribution to the hospital parking authority.  Thank goodness we haven't kept track of what we have paid for parking over the past few months.  It's kind of sad that they zing people who are sick or people who are visiting sick people.  The sad part is that they even charge the medical staff for parking too.

Still feeling a little flat today.  I said to Bill the next time I have a test where I'm not supposed to eat I am going to take in some nutrition the evening before.  This go round I went almost 40 hours with nothing and it has knocked me on my butt.  Hopefully will have a decent sleep tonight and get back on track tomorrow.

In the meantime.....keep up the good work!  And don't be afraid to let me know about it!  I love to hear how you are doing!

An exhausting day!  Was up most of the night trying to get in my 3-4 cups of water before the test which resulted in alternating visits to the toilet.  I'm not sure how many times I was up and down but I did manage to get in the required water.  Managed to get through the test without coughing which I was also worried about but did manage.   Came home pretty much pooped.  Between the stress of the test, the rough night and no food for 24 hours I was pretty much flatline.  I haven't moved to far from my chair today.  The one thing I did do upon arriving home was eat a popsicle!  It was delicious and seemed to slide down all the right pathways!

Geoff and Lindsey came by for a visit.  They are back from Mexico and are now planning their big trip to see the Seven Wonders of the World.  They will leave the first of October and get back the end of November.  I said to them "How do you get all that time off work and they blithely answered "we don't have it off yet!"  They seem quite confidant, however, that they will have no problem getting the necessary time.  They are thrilled that their friends and family have supported their wish that this be their wedding gift.  In our day, you went off and registered for China and all kinds of household stuff and you pretty much were outfitted after your wedding, but I am finding these days young people are pretty established and don't need all those things.  Lindsey's mom works for Williams and Sanoma and Lindsey has a better equipped kitchen than I do!  I do understand people wanting to give "something" that will be remembered because I too felt this way.  Bill and I did give them money for their trip but I also had a Sea Otter carved out of soapstone for them.  Last summer when we were on the sunshine coast we went into an artist's gallery and saw this woman's amazing work.  She carved seals and sea otters.  I LOVED them and took her card.  I sent her an email a few months ago and she carved the most beautiful otter for them.  Not the most practical gift but hopefully something they will have for ever.

Dad came over as well.  He is in town overnight for an appointment but will head back to Windermere tomorrow so I have had no shortage of company today.

Am planning an early night in bed.  Hopefully a solid sleep!  Today has knocked my socks off.

Have had a very busy day.  Met Maureen and did a loop of Nose Hill then we went for coffee.  She drank I sniffed!  From there I decided I should maybe pick up a few flowers and things for the garden so did the loop, Super Store, Rona and then Sunnyside.  As per usual I suspect I bought too many flowers but once I start looking I just keep adding them to my cart.  Not brave enough to plant today, it might snow!

Tonight is a fasting night.  Can't eat before the PET.  After last night's disaster, that's probably a good thing.  I usually start my machine around 9:45.  We were watching TV and I scooted upstairs to get my stuff.  Feeling pretty comfortable with all this paraphernalia now so didn't bother to put on the lights and was honestly only paying half attention to what I was doing.  I was in my PJ's and my housecoat.  Got everything going and settled down to watch a show.  After about an your I was thinking to myself  "I can even smell this gross stuff when it's in the bag and in the backpack.  It really is time to get rid of this tube and get onto the business of eating!"  Well I went to stand up and realized I had not opened up the port on my J tube and for an hour it had been leaking all over my housecoat.  Yuk!

That was disaster #1.  Disaster #2 happened this morning and has to do with my issue of not putting lids on properly.  I have to clean the bag every morning.  I won't go into the details but I fill the bag, close it and then lean on it to push the water through the tubes.  I confess I did hear the psssssss sound but also confess I ignored it. Boom.....the lid shot off and water shot all over the place!  This one I have not confessed to Bill because he cannot believe that after all these years I continue to consistently put lids on crooked.  It won't kill him to not know about this small incident!

Thanks for the words of encouragement sent my way re. tomorrow.  I know these tests are going to become a way of life for me for the next number of years and realistically I shouldn't stress like I do.  Having said that, any test scares me now and I'm probably entitled to those feelings.

Bill off doing a training ride today.  I got a text from him a couple of hours ago and it sounds like he hit some pretty stiff winds, some roads with narrow shoulders and lots of holiday traffic returning from their weekend.  I offered to pick him up but he's toughing it out.  Today I was thinking about it (in a grumpy way) and it occurred to me that this might be the first time since we've been married that he is MUCH fitter than I.  My fitness is non-existent right now.  When I finally do get permission to get back at it I am going to have a tough road back.  Scary thought as I honestly have never really let my fitness lapse.  Even through my pregnancies I was pretty diligent about working out and staying active.  Bill says I'm going to get a taste of how lots of the population feels about exercise.  He's probably right!

Back from the lake.  Good decision to come today I think as there were lots of people out there this weekend and the ride in wasn't to bad.  We had a nice weekend.  Good weather for golf.  It wasn't hot but from what I've heard the weather out there was quite a bit better than what Calgary experienced.  Bill played a couple of pretty decent rounds for his first of the season as did Dad.

Geoff and Lindsey back from Mexico.  I think they are all inclusived out.  I have to agree with Geoff a week at an all inclusive is enough.  I've said that every time we've gone to one.  They had a nice second week and had a chance to do some sinote diving, some deep sea fishing and went to see the ruins at
 Chichen Itza.  They are wanting to visit the seven wonders of the world so can now strike this one off.  I'm sure it was hotter than h*** going there!

Arrived home to the reminder on my answering machine that I have a PET scan on Tuesday.  Not my favourite thing.  Causes me all sorts of anxiety so I am stressing already.  I had kind of pushed it out of my mind.  Knew it was on Tuesday but wasn't thinking about it.  The phone call, however, is a reminder that I have to go.  I have to DRINK three to four glasses of water before the scan.  Whether I drink it or put it in my J tube, that's a lot of water to take in at once.  It'll be interesting to see how that goes.  That and lying flat and still for half an hour are both going to be big challenges for me.   Oh well, it will be good to get it over with and hopefully it'll come back clear!  I'm thinking these scans are going to be a way of life for me for a few years so I should just suck it up and try not to worry about it.  Easier said than done.

Lovely day in Windermere today.  We headed out to the golf course this morning, and no, don't let this photo deceive you....I did not play golf.  Would have loved to!  Even thought it might be fun to email this to my surgeon.  He would not be happy with me!  I'm thinking I might be able to play come July though.

Dad and Bill played and Kelli and I walked the front nine.  Thought about walking the back as well but being the long weekend the pace of play was slow and none of the benches are out on the course yet so after nine opted to take a cart for the back.  Good decision as the back was also slow.  It was fun to be out there, although I did have moments when I really wished I could grab a club and smack a ball!  Both Dad and Bill had decent games, it being Bill's first of the season.  We were paired with another couple.  The lady was pretty much a beginner and Kelli and I were placing wagers on whether or not she would be able to hit her ball over the Columbia River.  Kind of mean spirited I must confess but fun none the less.

I continue to experiment with drinking and have probably had a cup of white cranberry juice and ginger ale today with few issues.  It is nice to be able to wet my whistle!  Now I am starting to consider what foods I want to eat first and strangely the thing I am almost craving is a soft boiled egg!  The interesting thing is is this is what I craved when I was first pregnant with Geoff.  Kelli said "I hope you're not pregnant Mom!"  I know I will have to take this eating thing slowly.  Just got an email from my hospital room mate.  They finally agreed, after months to let her go home and for the first week home she was feeling great and was able to keep food down and then her husband bought her a DQ soft ice cream cone It was so delicious she ate the entire thing and then was sick for four hours after and is now back to not feeling well and having difficulty eating.

Tomorrow the guys have a 9:30 tee time booked.  Kelli works in Cranbrook tomorrow morning at 8 AM so will have to be up with the birds to get back there for work.  We plan to head back to Calgary tomorrow after golf to avoid the May long weekend crazy drive home!

We are in Windermere for the long weekend.  We usually avoid coming on the May long weekend as the traffic is insane but Kelli was off and was coming down to visit my dad so we decided to come out.  Came Thursday morning so missed the out coming traffic and will go home on Sunday to avoid the Monday rush.  We have had numerous trips home where it has taken 5 or 6 hours and it just isn't worth it!

We arrived here last night to find my Dad in computer distress.  He had been on the phone to Shaw and the agent was walking him through steps to rectify the problem but it only made it worse.  He had no wireless and no internet thus, no blog yesterday.  The computer saviour arrived from Cranbrook around midnight and spent a few hours mucking with Grandpa's computer this morning and it is now up and running again!

Today was a lazy day for some (Kelli and I) and more energetic for others Dad and Bill.  Bill is in serious prep mode for the Ride to Conquer Cancer and is showing his Honey Badger colours.  He decided to do the ride from Dad's place in Windermere to Olive Lake which is at the top of the hill above Radium.  The hill is at least a 10 km steep climb.  It took him 65 minutes to go up and 18 minutes to come down.  You can guess which was his favourite part.  He looked pretty bagged when he got back here and made Kelli and I feel a little guilty for our day of reading and going for a leisurely walks.  I really needed a day like that though.  Didn't sleep that well last night and was feeling quite tired today.

Continue to experiment with fluids and although not perfect I seem to be able to get most down without choking. As Kelli said, when I was in the hospital I was aspirating on everything I took in.  Now I aspirate occasionally and it is usually when I get careless.  I do have to take my time and think about what I'm doing but I think it is doable.  Got the date for my swallow test and it is on May 29.

Tomorrow Dad and Bill are going to golf and Kelli and I will walk along with them.  Not sure if we will walk the entire 18 as I suspect on long weekend Saturday the pace of play might be very slow and it cold be a very slow round.  But we will definitely walk the front nine although I know for a fact it is going to give me the bug.  Golf is a ways off in my future but I'm hoping to be playing before the end of the summer.  It's in my "long range plan."

Just back from a full day of running around "getting stuff done".  We dropped in to see Bill's folks.  Bill's sister Susie is in town for a visit from Texas.  She has been on the same runaway train as I'm on, diagnosed a couple of years ago and doing very well.  It was really nice to chat with her.  One thing I have learned through this is that people who have been through this really have a different perspective and understanding than those that haven't and they really understand some of the things you are going through and feeling.  As Susie said today it changes you forever and I do believe that is true.  Things like time and what's important really do shift.  I know, as all of us do, I was often guilty of taking things for granted!  Not so much now and hopefully that will continue on for the rest of my life because some things should just not be taken for granted.

Boomer did arrive home yesterday afternoon.  He bounded into the house and up to the deck where I was reading my book.  I looked at him and said "You've had a bath!" (he was soaking wet)  Bill came up behind him shaking his head.......the bath was in a slough out at Ron and Marg's place.  That's the beauty of a black dog.  Until they lie on a light coloured carpet or you pat them you don't even know they're dirty.  On top of that Bill said the entire ride home there were noxious fumes coming from the back of the Forerunner.  We suspect he found some nasty delectable treats, possibly manure, to treat himself to.  Definitely confined to the tile floor last night.  I took him out for his walk and then the three of us headed over to the Dog Wash.  I needed Bill to come because I am not allowed to lift anything over 10 lbs. and this pathetic pooch refuses to go up the ramp to get into the tub at the wash.  Loves to swim but hates his bath as you can see from the look on his face above.  Thus, Bill was needed for the boost.
We got him cleaned up, brought him home and he crashed big time!

Still no word on the swallow test.  Heard nothing again today so am thinking it will be next week.  I'm partly disappointed, partly relieved.  Am not totally confidant I will pass.  I have been taking little sips of water and it generally goes well but I have the odd swallow that definitely goes down the wrong pipe.  There is nothing I would like more than to get rid of this J tube.  It is uncomfortable and the skin is quite sensitive where they had to put in a new stitch.  Having said this I know that there is no way at this point I could even begin to take in the amount of fluid I need in a day, let alone calories so realize that I will be stuck with it for some time yet.  Unfortunately I am not paying as much attention to the 3 P's these days.  I woke up this morning and amazingly my voice almost sounded like me!  I was stunned.  It lasted for about half an hour.  After coughing and hacking I pretty much brought back my "Miss Piggy" voice.  I do see these little improvements but I want big improvements.  This is where Bill is really good for me.  He patiently reminds me that I am still healing. He tells me to look at my exterior scars from the surgery and realize that my insides are the same way.  Nerves take a long time to come around.  Having said this I am becoming more and more impatient for some more substantial gains.  PATIENCE! POSITIVITY! PERSEVERANCE!  Focus on the prize!  It's worth working for!

Just enjoying the beautiful day today.  Bill has gone out to Kim and Greg's to pick Boomer up.  They have colds so I decided to stay home.  I have enough hacking and coughing going on right now without adding a cold on top of it.  I'm looking forward to having Boomer home, although I know the routine when he comes back from Kim and Greg's.  At first he's happy to see us, then he lies down with a big sigh and looks at us as if to say "this place is soooo boring!" It actually takes about a week for him to kick back into city dog mode.  Can you blame him.  Freedom, riding ON (not running behind) the quad, swimming in your own private pond only meters from the house, Wyatt (Kim and Greg's golden retriever), horses, and cats!  What more could any dog wish for!?  I sometimes wonder who enjoys holiday time more...Bill and I or Boomer.

Have spent the morning puttering and have actually been quite productive.  Been in and out of the deck doors all morning and on my last trip in a massive bumble bee followed me. It was not happy to be inside.  I watched it for a few minutes and when it finally crashed into the kitchen window I trapped it in a jar and took it back outside.  Was feeling pretty proud of myself as I came back in but stopped dead in my tracks  when the first sound I heard was ANOTHER MAD BEE!  So, repeat performance and repeat mission accomplished.  This all reminded me of something that happened when Geoff was in kindergarten.  He was in the back ravine and caught this massive bee.  It was really angry to be caught in a jar and was buzzing around furiously.  I tried to talk him into releasing it but he really wanted to take it in to school the next day to share with his class.  I wasn't sure this was the best plan but agreed as long as he promised not to open the jar.  We left the bee in the jar out in the garage overnight and in the morning we sadly discovered the bee had died.  Still, it was a very large, impressive specimen,  so I suggested that the kids might still like to see it.  I was secretly feeling much better as I thought the teacher would probably question my good judgement at sending a bee to school.  We headed off and by the time we got to school, the jar had warmed and presto!  The bee had come back to life and was furious at finding itself still trapped in the jar.  As suspected, I was right, the teacher gave me a very strange look and asked me to stay and take the bee once Geoff had shared it with the class.  I have no doubt, being a teacher myself, that I was probably the staffroom topic of discussion that day!  "Irresponsible Mother!  Whatever was she thinking!"

It's a day to celebrate!  We have all anxiously been awaiting the arrival of Trish and Gerry's daughter Katie's baby!  She is well overdue and was actually due on Geoff and Lindsey wedding date, May 8.
Well, John Francis finally decided to poke his head into this world!  All is good!  Katie lives in Ireland with her husband Benny so we will all have to wait until July when Katie is bravely travelling home with baby and big brother Liam in tow BY HERSELF!  That's one gutsy girl!

No talk of medical stuff today....I'm taking a break!  Trying to pretend life is normal!  I'm sipping ginger ale and baking muffins!  How normal is that!

Another gorgeous day!  Still no Boomer.  I think he has been kidnapped!  The walks are definitely not as fun without him and it's much harder to motivate myself to get out and hit the trails.  I think Bill will head out for him tomorrow if it works out.

Bill came with me on my second walk today.  He has decided that I need to puff more so he marched me up at least three good size hills, one very steep.  His goal was accomplished on that hill.  I was huffing and puffing all the way up.

Hung out here all morning hoping to get a call re. my swallow test.  Bill got back from Cranbrook around noon and he called to inquire when my test was scheduled.  Hmmm....they didn't know when I would be back so had not booked it.  I think I only told them seventeen times I was going for one week and would be back on May 11.  Oh well, it'll be when it is I guess and me growling about the fact that they are not paying attention to my holiday schedule won't change anything.  I only hope I can do it as an out patient.  You get tests done quicker when you are an admitted patient so there is a possibility that I may have to be readmitted.  Just as long as I don't have to sleep there I'm OK with that.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, when you cannot talk you tend to listen and observe a lot more.  Today I told Bill I had noticed two interesting behaviours in "some" people.  The funniest one is that when people are talking to me they often whisper.  They will talk to others with their normal voice but when addressing me their voice reverts to a whisper.  Bill said they have actually done studies on this and it is called imaging.  That isn't the case for everyone though.  Some people actually shout at me.  It's like they think if my voice is pooched my ears must be too!  It's hilarious.  If you see yourself in these descriptions, please know you are giving me a huge chuckle!  I love it!

I continue to get emails from many friends who have walked in my shoes.  Believe me it is so inspiring to see you all doing so well and sharing your stories.  Truly, if you have not gone through this you have no idea what it is like.  I do have the odd pity party for myself but I don't let them last long. As my Aunt Marian said "It's OK to feel sorry for yourself as long as you don't wallow in it!"  I'm definitely not wallowing, however, it is impossible not to grieve for the things that seem lost to you.  As one friend pointed out to me, I was so goal orientated on getting to Mexico and now that I'm home and that goal has been accomplished I am likely to see some other emotions surface that I have suppressed.  I think she's right.  On Mother's Day I had a good weep for my Mom who has been gone for almost 12 years! This same friend sent me a beautiful poem that I would like to share with you before I sign off.....

"The best things in life are nearest
Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes,
Flowers at your feet,
Duties at your hand.
The path of God just before you
Then do not grasp at stars,
But do life's plain common work as it comes,
Certain that daily duties and daily bread
are the sweetest things in life."

Robert Louis Stevenson

Kelli snorkelling with the turtles!

Grandpa and his girls!

Kelli and Lindsey

My Maid of Honour 33 years ago!

Geoff and Lindsey

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!  Hope everyone is enjoying this magnificent day!  Today I was trying to think of my "best" Mother's Days.  There are many of them but the one's that really come to mind are the days a bunch of us used to run in the Mother's Day Race.  We did it for years.  The guys would either stay home and make brunch for us or we would go to the Winter Club.  I think we did it for about 10 years in a row and then people started to drop out and it just sort of fizzled.  Those were pretty special days though.  Then, another comes to mind.  Kevin had sponsored Geoff as a junior member at Country Hills Golf Course for a couple of years and one Mother's Day Geoff and I went out and played golf.  I remember looking at him and saying "We should do this every year!"  A couple of years ago the kids and I went out for coffee!  So, it's not so much what you do, just that you do something, right???  

I did have some requests for a few more pics so thought I would oblige those who expressed interest. Have tried to include a little variety.  As you can see the resort was on a beautiful beach and we had amazing weather!  Geoff and Lindsey have stayed a second week and hopefully will get a little time to relax because there wasn't much time for that in week one.

Kelli arrived last night.  She and Mike went Saturday-Saturday, unlike the Friday-Friday the rest of us went.  She barely made her connection in Houston but her luggage did not so she arrived home empty handed and a little concerned as some of the stuff she needs for her stint in Cranbrook was in her bag.  No worries, the bag arrived this morning and she and Bill are now on their way out there with the Fifth Wheel!  I had planned to go but suspect I may have some appointments scheduled for this week so decided it was smarter to stay home.  I have been very lazy today reading my book and enjoying the beautiful day!  It is almost Mexico weather, which I think is encouraging me to behave the same way here as I did there.  Grab your book and kick back and relax.  Having said that, I have finally roused myself out of my chair and am heading out for my walk!  Enough procrastinating and I know for sure Bill will quiz me when he gets back as to whether or not I went.  So, although it has taken most of the day to get there, I am now ready to hit the pathway system and get back to the business of getting some exercise!  How easy it is to become a couch potato I am discovering.  Something I have never been before but I am starting to understand how it happens to people.  I am still having some coughing issues which make a solid nights sleep impossible.  On the plus side the cough is finally getting some of that stuff out of me that has made it difficult to breath and swallow.  Definitely more power in the cough....now I just need some more power in the vocal cords.

I'm not going to prattle today because if everyone is doing what they're supposed to be doing today, they won't be wasting their time reading this!  Have a great day!  Enjoy the sunshine, bask in the love of your families.....it's a perfect day to celebrate 'MOMS'

I have so many pictures that I just seem to be struggling with which ones to include.  You'll probably get a few more over the next week or so as I'm still pretty pumped about our trip.  It wasn't our usual holiday, Bill and I are usually busy bees when on holiday.  This trip it was our turn to be the quiet ones but I was just happy to be there.  The wedding was beautiful!  I know I am biased but it was one of the nicest weddings I have ever been to!  Geoff and Lindsey put a ton of work into the planning and it paid off!  Everything went off without a glitch and the hundred guests came to have fun!  It all started on Friday morning at 4:45 when the bus "limo" picked us up to take us to the airport!  The trip was uneventful and we arrived in Cancun 5 hours later!  We all collected out bags and then were forced to brave the intake procedures which are quite slow.  We had my feeding gear spread out between several friends and some were searched.  My poor friend Kathy, while in the process of getting searched lost her passport!  She was pretty cool about it though, her solution being, get me to the resort, "I need a drink!"  We got to the Grande Serenis and it was a lovely hotel. Saturday we just settled in and got our bearings but Sunday the kids had booked a catamaran for 100 people to go snorkelling!  We headed out on slightly rough waters that got slightly rougher and a few of the guests were soon hurling their pina coladas overboard!  I often get seasick so was quite pleased I had no ill effects from the sail.  Perhaps because I had nothing in my stomach!  Hmmm....that is probably the first positive thing I have said about being tube fed!    The cruise was lovely, lots of fun and all that went snorkelling enjoyed themselves.  I of course could not snorkel but unlike the most of the snorkelers, I got to see a turtle, right from the boat!!  Monday we had the rehearsal dinner.  Lindsey had quite a number of family members up from New Jersey for the wedding so we had quite a nice sized group for the dinner.  Then Tuesday was the big day!  The wedding was right on the beach and was performed by a cute little Mexican woman.  My favourite part of the service was when she asked Lindsey...."Lindsey, are you sure?  Are you sure he's a good boy?  This is your last chance!"  It was really cute.The ocean back drop was magnificent.  It was warm but there was an offshore breeze which did help.  After the ceremony we had some pictures taken and then headed up to the beachside Palappa for dinner and dancing!  I stayed right to the end!  Got my dance with Geoff!  Enjoyed every single minute of the evening!  Not sure what this one means....hmmm...but Kelli's boyfriend Mike caught the garter!  By the end of the reception I was pretty much done....had to pass on the disco!   The rest of the week was pretty much laid back for me.  My big event each day was to float in an inner tube down the Lazy River which was very relaxing.

It was hard to watch every one eating and drinking, going to the gym or the spa, playing tennis, snorkelling etc. but I knew when I went there those things would not be in the works for me.  The best part was that my Dad and my brother and his wife Michelle came, that my cousin Trish and her husband Gerry came and that my very special long time friends came, Kathy and Colleen whom I have known since I was twelve years old, Maureen and Duane (I have also known Maureen since junior high days) and Gary and Jenifer who are like extended family to us as are their kids.  Their son Trevor and Geoff have been buddies since kindergarten.  Geoff was Trevor's best man and Trevor was Geoff's!  Long time friendships are to be treasured and maintained......they are such a special thing to have in your life!

So.....were there any glitches for me?  A couple.  On our last night we pulled out our last feeding bag ( I was disposing them each day as we figured cleaning them with Mexican tap water might not be a good idea) and we discovered it was the wrong kind of bag and did not have the necessary fitting for my pump.  So no dinner for me that night!  Then, to add to it we got up the next  morning and discovered my stitch had pulled out for my feeding tube!  Not great!  We headed off to Cancun in a cab to catch our West Jet flight home, checked in with lots of time to spare and went to sit at our gate A5.  We sat there for a couple of hours and I kept wondering where my Dad and Trish and Gerry were.  Both of us had pretty much tuned out the loud announcements that came frequently.  Bill finally decided to take a walk and for some reason I was listening to the announcements when I heard that the West Jet Flight to Calgary had been changed from gate A5 to B15!  Well we boogied over there just in time to find them boarding the aircraft!

Would not have been great to have gotten stranded there with the problems I was having!  We got on board and immediately the flight attendants started handing out drinks.  The guy sitting with us ordered a ginger ale!  Well, I sat there and thought about that ginger ale for three hours.  Finally I just had to have one!  Weird eh?  All week I watched people eat and drink and showed really great restraint but that ginger ale just would not leave my head.  I didn't drink the whole thing but I did have several sips and fingers crossed....I'm thinking I might be ready for that swallow test!  I am guardedly optimistic because I thought that last time and can't even believe I am sharing this.  I will be so disappointed if I flunk it again!  I want some normal back in my life!  Bill keeps reminding me I'm doing really well but the patience is starting to wear a little thin!  Now that I have had my wedding I now want my life back and the sooner the better!

Today, I spent three hours at the urgent care centre getting restitched.  The doctor asked me how much longer I would have the feeding tube and I answered "Not much longer".  Bill, of course corrected me…. "We don't know how much longer!"

Hope you enjoy this small sampling of photos.....if you like them I have HUNDREDS MORE!

Hola!!!  Have spent the day packing!  As usual I'm sure I have packed way more than I need to take.  Funny, when we do the adventure stuff I'm pretty good at being a minimalist, however, when I'm going to an all inclusive I just seem to take everything but the kitchen sink!  Good thing I have Kelli's extra large Ogio bag.  It holds a ton!

Geoff and Lindsey dropped by today and seemed quite calm, although they said they still had stuff to do tonight.  They have organized a bus to pick people up tomorrow morning and our pickup time is 4:45!  Yikes!  I'm going to have to start my night time feed at 6 PM.  Bill and I will be able to have dinner together tonight!

All is good....will be back on the 11th!

Up and at it this morning to go see my surgeon.  I knew there was nothing he would be saying that was new....I haven't had any recent tests or anything, but still the nerves kick in.  I'm cold, my toes are tapping, I'm grumpy......Standard behaviour now for me whenever I have a doctor's appointment.

All for naught.  My doctor was actually quite personable today!  He took out my stitches (only a small sting), shortened my feeding hose, gave me a pep talk and even told me I could go in the water if I wanted to.  He also said they would rebook my swallow test for when I get back and reminded me that he has NEVER had a patient who has not regained their swallow.  He told me I could be taking some small sips of water so I came home and did just that.  I'm actually thinking the water went down the right pipe, however, I have thought that before so will wait for the swallow test before I decide I can go back to eating and drinking.

From doctor headed to Cross Iron Mills and did my walking as a mall walk today.  That combined with taking my clothes on and off more times than a  busy hooker on a Friday night was a good workout!
I came home a little pooped.

So, tomorrow, I will do my packing in earnest.  Must confess I saw this doctors appointment as the final hurdle...…So time to get those clothes packed up!  Tomorrow will be my final entry for a week but will be back at it when I get back on May 11!

Good morning....and a double good morning if you remembered to say your white rabbits!  The rabbits in Edgemont should have stayed white because we have snow today and it's even staying on the ground.  Makes me even more anxious to be heading south to escape this last taste of winter!

Had planned to go shopping today but the plan changed when Bill decided to take Boomer out to Kim and Greg's today. They are going to look after him for us next week.  It's actually quite funny because when we bring him home he sulks for a week.  He just loves it there.  Makes you realize what a good life dogs have in the country.  For a city dog, Boomer has it pretty good but it can't match what Kim and Greg have to offer.  Freedom, a pond mere meters from the house to swim in, rides on the quad......the list goes on!  He's really not a very loyal dog!  Feed me, love me, play with me....I'm yours!

 I'm actually just as happy to stay home and putter around.  I'm thinking I should go and try on my dress for the wedding!  I don't think I've had it on in almost a year so it might be a good idea.  Wouldn't be so cool to get there and discover it no longer fits!  I'm thinking it should be OK.  I had gained almost 20 pounds before my surgery (recommended) but have lost most of it and am pretty much back to my normal weight.  Still it's not really normal weight because I think I have lost lots of my muscle tone.  No physical exercise except for walking in over a month will do that for you!  The problem is, if it doesn't fit I'm not sure what I will do!  Guess I will cross that bridge if and when it happens. Oh please...don't let that happen!

Tomorrow I see the surgeon.  I have a couple of stitches that need to be removed.  They should have been taken out when I was in the hospital and it somehow got overlooked.  I should have seen my family doctor to have them removed and didn't.....they are quite ingrown now and I'm thinking it might be a little painful!  Hmph....what's painful in the grand scheme of things.  This will be a walk in the park!

I'm not planning to take a computer to Mexico so there will be no blog entries until I get back but I will repost when I get back and include some pictures and stories about our week!